Monday, November 30, 2009

In the words of Chelline ;

All I want is for him to love me. In the morning and night. When I'm the biggest bxtch or act like a total baby. When my hair is fxckd up nd no make-up ; when I get mad cuz things don't go my way. When I've had too much nd feel like giving up. When its that time of the month and when I need a simple favor. I need him to keep me going, I need his comfort to make me feel safe. I need to hear him tell me "everythings gonna be okay". I wont lose faith I know I'll find him. I have the rest of my life ahead of me....right? I would like for him to mean what he says. He doesn't have to be perfect but god make him fine! I'm afraid that if I find him I'll do some dumb shxt to push him away. That he won't be feeling my attitude or that I argue a lot and he can't take it. That I complain and can't handle "tough love" I'm just afraid to be alone ; but the thought of being vulnerable scares me shxtless. I'm not suppose to want a "man" this much or need anyone for that matter. I guess I never really learned to love. I waisted my time thinking negative abt love that when it was real I took it for granted. I guess I let my chances slip by. Will I get a second,third,fourth chance? Love never dies right? I'm willing to learn anything if it brings me closer to that feeling agian! willing to wear my heart on my sleeve and jump head 1st. everyone wants that. EVERYONE wants something. something they can't have the impossible.
These days I've been second guessing myself and the feelings of others. I don't believe it when a guy flat out tells me he's into me. I call his bluff! I don't believe when he says "Im think abt yu" or "I miss you" because in my eyes nobody feels that way abt me. I would love to have a "someone" but the reality is it dosent happen like that for all. I like the struggle ; the toughness and challenges I go through because I know it's preparing me for the real thing. wether it be tmrw , nxt week or 2yrs from now. I'll be ready.